I recently finished a post about surrender. In it I tried to lay down, however limited I am, an outline of the reasons why surrendering to the will of God is the ultimate answer and the path to true freedom. As I often do, I think it fell short. Sure, it is worth the read, but there is so much depth to this.
Having established that, in an act of providence I have another chance to reflect on this, but this time more personal. It is my own experience in which I have this opportunity.
To this point, this has been the best summer I have ever had. Sure it has had its challenges and little stresses. Sure, I am still on the job hunt, which can be very stressful. That being said, the growth I have experienced is without question and an amazing testament to the power of God. It is also a testimony to the freedom of surrendering to Him.
I consider the beginning of my summer to be right after graduation. It was a great time for me. I was happy to be done with academics and it seemed like things were going really well. I felt like I was really satisfied with where things in life were. I felt like I was on the right path, but it turned out I was wrong.
I suffered from a symptom called concupiscence. It is, simply put, the tendency to sin. It is one of the things about human nature that is hard to figure. I know sin is wrong, yet I do it anyway. It does not make much in the way of logical sense. In fact, if we use our reason, it makes no sense. This is when we come to the result of the stain of original sin, which is the fact that the will does not act in accordance with reason.
One of the things about sin, is that at some point we enjoy it. Some of them actually feel good, but that does not make them right. Things like the struggle for purity are challenging, because the sins against it feel good. The thing is the things of this world are, as I said in my other post on this subject, perishable and finite. The satisfaction that comes from many of the pleasures are temporary but the pain afterwards is often lasting.
The fact is that voluntary sin leads to disorder. Little did I realize how disordered I really was. Yes I was baptized as an adult and that cleanses me of sins from before then and gives me rebirth, but the scars accumulated from those sins did not go away. As I grew into the faith, I came to love the dogma and liturgy of the Church. The God of these things and the God of the bible is really God, but there is also a profound personal element to the experience. It is the meaning of a saying that states that "it is easier to love a God who you find for yourself." This is to say, each person should have an understanding of how God has worked in his or her life. In my case this was not a reflection I was making.
And so here I was gliding along. I needed to have a few curve balls thrown my way, which is what happened. I am not going to go into the exact specifics, but I will say that unfortunately Satan knows my weaknesses well. Luckily God does too, but Satan uses them for evil purpose. One thing I have been really blessed with are great friendships. These friendships are a method that God uses to bring me closer to him and it is my sincere prayer that I continue to bring others, including my friends closer to Him. Satan unfortunately has often used my care and love for the friends who God has put in my life as a gift to his advantage.
It is in this that the curve balls were thrown. These bumps revealed a deeper mess underneath the surface. Outwardly I was at peace, but inwardly, there was a war going on. My life was disordered. In these difficulties I saw the manifestation of the greater problem of concupiscence, which is the tendency to commit sin. Some things were things that dated back to before I converted. For some of my sins, in fact many, it took me years to even realize they were sins and took me entering into the faith for me to see some of these as truly problematic. And with some of the deeper seeded things, I maintained a certain obliviousness to them. It was here that God's grace intervened. God chose to show me directly how much damage there really was an how much I needed His healing presence.
Much of the struggle I had would be somewhat private, although part of my realization was that some of this had spilled over. It was Satan tried to make me feel overly guilty about. And while I owe my friends a ton for bearing patiently as I came through trials, I leave my debt to the love and mercy of God. The reality was that I needed to surrender. A part of that reality was that somewhere in me, I was unwilling to surrender. I had a hardness of heart. So I asked God to give me the willingness to surrender.
It was at the point that my answers came. As I started to truly surrender myself to Him, the fruits showed. My struggles became easier. I was facing up to things I had never really faced up to. I was realizing how fragile I am. Yet, I feel stronger than ever. God has greatly enriched me. With His work in my heart and His divine assistance, I am cultivating a better version of myself.
As I seek to become the man He intended me to be, I recognize that I must be a participant in His plan. As my roommate says, "playing ball" with Him. That is being open to Him and being ready to do His will. After all His will is perfect. I know I have a long ways to go, but I also recognize how far He has already brought me. This gives me both a persistence in trying to strengthen my relationship with Him, to grow in holiness, and to grow as a person and the patience to know that what God gives me today is sufficient. Overcoming challenges and personal character defects is not something that occurs overnight, but rather a process. It is something that takes time. That being said, I am excited because of the work God has done and is doing. I pray that I continue to be willing to surrender so that His work continues and He is glorified.
To this end I cannot take credit for any of the growth or freedom I am now experience. It is God working in me that is causing this to happen. It is after all God's grace that revealed to me how much I need His presence. Likewise, the peace I am experiencing is not my own. It is rather a peace that is founded in and on God. God has given it to me as gift. There is no greater freedom then to feel my will aligning with His. And for these ends I praise Him.
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