I would like to continue reflecting on the Church's teachings on sexuality. My focus now shifts to John Paul II's Theology of the Body (TB). I am going to focus my attention on the writing of Christopher West. West is a noted Catholic theologian and has spent expansive amount of time studying the TB and is one of the preeminent authors on the subject. As he has spent more and more time researching this great work, he has gained tremendous insight into the meaning of the TB. To call his knowledge extensive would be an understatement. As a result of his insight, West has written a number of articles about the TB.
In one of his articles, entitled "What is the Theology of the Body & Why is it Changing so Many Lives?" West gives us a view into one of the most deep and beautiful things that we have at our disposal. West talks of the approach of the TB, which is to "shift the discussion from legalism ("How far can I go before I break the law?") to liberty ("What's the truth that sets me free to love?")." West hits the collective nail on the head not only for John Paul II's approach to the TB, but also in the way we must approach the Church's teaching on sexuality. The reason we must do so is as West states, because "the often repressive approach of previous generations of Christians (usually silence or, at most, “don’t do it”) is largely responsible for the cultural jettison of the Church’s teaching on sex."
The beauty of the TB that West so wonderfully brings to light is that it reaffirms the Church's teaching on sexuality while also changing the way it is approached. West emphasizes that John Paul reflected on this not only from scripture, but from human experience. The idea is to understand the practicality of this teaching. West goes on to say that "according to John Paul II, God created the body as a “sign” of his own divine mystery. This is why he speaks of the body as a “theology,” a study of God."
It is in this understanding that Christians in general and Catholics in particular get a deeper and greater grasp of the teaching and why it is still valid. But what about those who have not come to believe? We live in a secular culture, which means that we must go beyond the theological, which is something I addressed in my last post about this subject. In fact West himself touches on it and refers to one of the beautiful things about the TB. The TB is something that goes beyond just theology. In bringing in the human experience, John Paul helps understand the authentic meaning of being human and how we can live out our lives in a way that is both happy and fulfilling (this is actually me paraphrasing the article).
West is again correct in stating that society has distorted many people's viewpoints in order that they believe that sex before marriage is liberating. What has come from this and the often overly legalistic approach to sexuality is that people in a secular culture view the Church's sexual teachings as prudish and archaic. The fact is that nothing is further from the truth. Once again the approach is what matters.
As West continues, he sheds light on how the TB brings out the "nuptial meaning of the body." In this West brings to light that one of the central ideas of the TB was to help people understand how our sexuality is an expression of free, total, faithful, and fruitful love. If in sharing that gift we are not doing one of those things, then why are we having sex? The beauty of this is to go beyond just saying that sex is intended to be a reproductive act and not merely one for pleasure. It is to understand the uniqueness of human sexuality itself. That sex is not merely about the pleasure and enjoyment and likewise not only about procreation, but that the very act is full giving of oneself to the other. No other creature on earth has this gift. As West himself will attest, to understand this has enormous transformative power.
The message is one of such enormous beauty and fullness that it is bringing about a revolution. This is the central message of West's article and it is very true. The transformation is slow at first but it is catching. Like fire, it gains momentum. These truths which were being stomped out are now coming back. The body is once again seen as wonderful thing. The beautiful mystery that is the human body is reaffirmed in Christ himself. He gave himself on the cross as an offering of love. He did so freely, totally, and faithfully. In this sense, the marital covenant is taste of what is to come (again paraphrasing West). That in marriage, the offering of self is free, total, and faithful. That it is unique onto itself is something that goes without saying. That this is beyond just ordinary theology is an understatement. It is something beyond the mystic. It is power that has no equal. For more on this article and others by Christopher West, check out, http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0109.html.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Ascent of Mt. Carmel: St. John of the Cross Leads the way to Detachment
When I started this blog, I said that I would at times make a personal reflection on topics of interest to the faith. While I typically try and approach the faith from a more practical perspective, I cannot deny the mystic aspects of the faith, especially since my actual journey into the faith was in and of itself very mystical. The mystical aspects of faith for all who practice are both profound and personal. Each of us speaks to the graces we have received in a different way. We do so because God's grace impacts people differently and that is what makes each individual journey unique. So now, I am going to expand upon a familiar topic with a very personal touch.
The topic is detachment. Detachment is one of the most integral parts of being a servant of God and in particular, Catholic theology. The reason for its importance is what detachment is. True detachment is to empty oneself of desires and things that get in the way of the love God. Every person finds ways to distract themselves from God and prayer (I include myself more than anyone). The goal of the detachment is to rid oneself of these distractions so that person can grow closer to God.
St. John of the Cross is particularly important because he provides us with an example. He is often called the empty vessel. He calls his journey "The Ascent of Mount Carmel." For those unfamiliar Mount Carmel is where the prophet, Elijah is visited by God. The reason for calling John the empty vessel is that he empties himself of all things that are between him and God to grow closer with him (thus ascend). Mount Carmel is also known as the Mount of Perfection. To reach it's summit is to be perfected by God. In his ascent, all things that distracted him from God were weight on his shoulders. He stopped each time and emptied himself. We are called to do the same. Granted we must be careful as to not take it too far by eliminating the essential nature of the Sacraments (which some do) and the importance of showing reverence. At the same time, we must understand that some things done for the good can become attachments that lead us away from God.
In my own life, my understanding of St. John's theology has deepened by personal experience made possible by God's grace. I have by this grace reached a point where I understand detachment better and start to really partake of it. So this reflection is going to be personal but I hope it brings light to this subject. Once again, no credit goes to me. All the honor goes to God for it is His actions in my life and the way he works through my friends that this is possible.
My journey into true detachment only really started recently. Despite my best attempts not to, my intentions for doing for others sometimes slip into self glorification. I think almost anyone struggles with it, but it was of particular concern, because I am a servant of God. Everything I do should and must be directed towards Him. All I do for others needs to be for His greater glory. Because I have this knowledge my failings to do so have thus been magnified.
It was in this past year, that I really reached a crossroads. I had much on my mind and was allowing myself to get tightly wound, thus hiding my true self. Not to say being tightly wound was me being fake, because it was very real. At the same time, at my best, I am very easy going, relaxed, and laid back. In this mode, I am able to be more giving of myself and not have as much limitation. The thing was I was blocking that. Worse still there was a particular thing that I needed to let go of.
Try as I might, I was unable to do what I needed to do. My reasonable and rational approach was to pray. I asked God to help guide me. Things started to turn but there was still an inner struggle. The key was I was missing a piece. The piece I was missing was doing the right thing as an act of faithfulness to God. Without giving too much details, I talked with a friend about the struggle and that friend told me to remember that all I do is an act of faith in God. That was the key.
My new prayer to God included doing the right thing as an act of faith in Him. I did not know where it would lead, but I stopped trying to let go and was thus actually able to let go. I immediately felt a change. I was suddenly more relaxed and easy going again. I suddenly was happy with where my life was and not asking for more. I finally was seeking to do things with no return for me. Not to say I did not have times like this before, but there was something more permanent about it. I have everything I need, and ask no more.
For me this was detachment in a great form. Not to say I don't need more of it, because believe me I do, but to say this is not a huge stride in the right direction would be an error. This is my great blessing that I share. In my ascent up the mount of perfection this has allowed me to climb higher than I have ever been. The summit is still distant but it beckons. With the Lord, I have a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light. Upon realizing these things, I returned to St. John and read his meditations again. Thus I have gained greater understanding. I hope that by sharing the work of God's grace, I can shed light on it and shed greater light on this important practice. The prayer for detachment always starts with emptying ourselves of that which distracts us from God. It continues as we allow Him to lighten the load so that we can climb again. I so thankful to Him for all he has done directly and through the friends who aided me.
The topic is detachment. Detachment is one of the most integral parts of being a servant of God and in particular, Catholic theology. The reason for its importance is what detachment is. True detachment is to empty oneself of desires and things that get in the way of the love God. Every person finds ways to distract themselves from God and prayer (I include myself more than anyone). The goal of the detachment is to rid oneself of these distractions so that person can grow closer to God.
St. John of the Cross is particularly important because he provides us with an example. He is often called the empty vessel. He calls his journey "The Ascent of Mount Carmel." For those unfamiliar Mount Carmel is where the prophet, Elijah is visited by God. The reason for calling John the empty vessel is that he empties himself of all things that are between him and God to grow closer with him (thus ascend). Mount Carmel is also known as the Mount of Perfection. To reach it's summit is to be perfected by God. In his ascent, all things that distracted him from God were weight on his shoulders. He stopped each time and emptied himself. We are called to do the same. Granted we must be careful as to not take it too far by eliminating the essential nature of the Sacraments (which some do) and the importance of showing reverence. At the same time, we must understand that some things done for the good can become attachments that lead us away from God.
In my own life, my understanding of St. John's theology has deepened by personal experience made possible by God's grace. I have by this grace reached a point where I understand detachment better and start to really partake of it. So this reflection is going to be personal but I hope it brings light to this subject. Once again, no credit goes to me. All the honor goes to God for it is His actions in my life and the way he works through my friends that this is possible.
My journey into true detachment only really started recently. Despite my best attempts not to, my intentions for doing for others sometimes slip into self glorification. I think almost anyone struggles with it, but it was of particular concern, because I am a servant of God. Everything I do should and must be directed towards Him. All I do for others needs to be for His greater glory. Because I have this knowledge my failings to do so have thus been magnified.
It was in this past year, that I really reached a crossroads. I had much on my mind and was allowing myself to get tightly wound, thus hiding my true self. Not to say being tightly wound was me being fake, because it was very real. At the same time, at my best, I am very easy going, relaxed, and laid back. In this mode, I am able to be more giving of myself and not have as much limitation. The thing was I was blocking that. Worse still there was a particular thing that I needed to let go of.
Try as I might, I was unable to do what I needed to do. My reasonable and rational approach was to pray. I asked God to help guide me. Things started to turn but there was still an inner struggle. The key was I was missing a piece. The piece I was missing was doing the right thing as an act of faithfulness to God. Without giving too much details, I talked with a friend about the struggle and that friend told me to remember that all I do is an act of faith in God. That was the key.
My new prayer to God included doing the right thing as an act of faith in Him. I did not know where it would lead, but I stopped trying to let go and was thus actually able to let go. I immediately felt a change. I was suddenly more relaxed and easy going again. I suddenly was happy with where my life was and not asking for more. I finally was seeking to do things with no return for me. Not to say I did not have times like this before, but there was something more permanent about it. I have everything I need, and ask no more.
For me this was detachment in a great form. Not to say I don't need more of it, because believe me I do, but to say this is not a huge stride in the right direction would be an error. This is my great blessing that I share. In my ascent up the mount of perfection this has allowed me to climb higher than I have ever been. The summit is still distant but it beckons. With the Lord, I have a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light. Upon realizing these things, I returned to St. John and read his meditations again. Thus I have gained greater understanding. I hope that by sharing the work of God's grace, I can shed light on it and shed greater light on this important practice. The prayer for detachment always starts with emptying ourselves of that which distracts us from God. It continues as we allow Him to lighten the load so that we can climb again. I so thankful to Him for all he has done directly and through the friends who aided me.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
From Boyhood to Manhood
Almost everybody knows 1 Corinthians 13. It is the famous passage about love, but there is an often overlooked part of this passage. It is verse 11 of that chapter in which Saint Paul says, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But, when I became a man, I put away the things of a child" (Douay-Rheims translation). So what does this all mean?
For me personally and for men in general this sums up the call to be real men. And what is real manhood? Real manhood is being a man who models himself in the image of Christ. Yes guys, it is true. Jesus is the best example of true manhood we have. And what are Jesus' characteristics? He is humble, courageous, selfless, just, respectful, strong, loving, forgiving, compassionate, and truth seeking just to name a few. In basic terms, real manhood is very different from what society labels it to be.
So what is the secular societal view of manhood? Well it depends on what sect of society you are talking about. In the mainstream, we see manhood portrayed as the tough guy who sleeps with a lot of women. This whole idea that real manhood is about being with as many women as possible and having sex. Further more, it has become expected that men look at women as objects. This viewpoint states that men should be devoid of emotion and that to show emotion is to be less manly or to be gay. On another end, we have a pull to the opposite. This comes from the militant feminist movement. This is the movement to emasculate men and get them more in touch with their "feminine" side.
The problem is both go too far. Yes it is perfectly acceptable for a man to cry. After all Jesus wept when Lazarus died. In fact, it is unhealthy for a man to be emotionally devoid. The thing is that a man does not have to be "in touch with his feminine side" to do this. Here is another thing, men can respect women without all the fluff. So what about that Jesus-like man? What is he like? How is he to function?
As I said earlier and restate again, the Jesus-like man reflects the characteristics of Jesus in himself. This is to be both in his conduct as well as his personal life. When he needs to be, he is tough. Yet he can also balance that by being gentle. He needs to be ever mindful of his choices and hold himself accountable. He must be willing to be firm in correcting others, but also forgiving of misdeeds. He must be able to aide his brother to improve while being every mindful of his own need for improvement. As Jesus said, "Remove the wood beam from your eye first, then remove the splinter from your brother's eye." It is the whole idea of recognizing one's own faults before pointing out those of another. This simple recognition is what we call humility, which everyone must seek. The Jesus-like man must also be respectful. That applies in his charity towards his fellow man no matter what the circumstance, as well as his treatment of women. The first comes in the recognition of the dignity and equality of the human person. Even if we do not like a person, there is still respect and care due to that person. This is not just a trait that should be held by men, but rather all people. The second is the idea that a woman is a beautiful pearl of God's creation. Women are His crown jewel as it were. Women are daughters of God (whether they know it or not). That means that since God is king, then women are princesses. The are worthy of the dignity and respect any prince worth his salt should be giving. Yes guys, women are not pieces of meat, they are people. Women are absolutely equal in dignity to men and should be treated as such.
So what is true manhood about, when society tells us different? True manhood is about rising above. True manhood is to lead and become example. Christians in general are called to be the light of the world. We carry in us the hope that comes from God himself and we are called to shine it. Men in particular have great responsibility in this. For whatever reason, God in His wisdom chose men to be spiritual leaders. Whatever our faults and weaknesses are, men are to lead others to salvation. In accepting this responsibility we must be courageous. I include myself in this because I am truly the least of all men. I have much to learn and much to detach myself from.
The journey is simple. It starts when men use their brains. It continues when men function as beacons of hope. It is enforced when men set an example that is positive. It is carried out when men become men. "Don't say, 'That's the way I am—it's my character.' It's your lack of character. Esto vir!—Be a man!" ~ St. Josemaria Escriva
This is the call of Saint Paul. It is to pass from our childish ways and become true men of God who seek His will above all else.
For me personally and for men in general this sums up the call to be real men. And what is real manhood? Real manhood is being a man who models himself in the image of Christ. Yes guys, it is true. Jesus is the best example of true manhood we have. And what are Jesus' characteristics? He is humble, courageous, selfless, just, respectful, strong, loving, forgiving, compassionate, and truth seeking just to name a few. In basic terms, real manhood is very different from what society labels it to be.
So what is the secular societal view of manhood? Well it depends on what sect of society you are talking about. In the mainstream, we see manhood portrayed as the tough guy who sleeps with a lot of women. This whole idea that real manhood is about being with as many women as possible and having sex. Further more, it has become expected that men look at women as objects. This viewpoint states that men should be devoid of emotion and that to show emotion is to be less manly or to be gay. On another end, we have a pull to the opposite. This comes from the militant feminist movement. This is the movement to emasculate men and get them more in touch with their "feminine" side.
The problem is both go too far. Yes it is perfectly acceptable for a man to cry. After all Jesus wept when Lazarus died. In fact, it is unhealthy for a man to be emotionally devoid. The thing is that a man does not have to be "in touch with his feminine side" to do this. Here is another thing, men can respect women without all the fluff. So what about that Jesus-like man? What is he like? How is he to function?
As I said earlier and restate again, the Jesus-like man reflects the characteristics of Jesus in himself. This is to be both in his conduct as well as his personal life. When he needs to be, he is tough. Yet he can also balance that by being gentle. He needs to be ever mindful of his choices and hold himself accountable. He must be willing to be firm in correcting others, but also forgiving of misdeeds. He must be able to aide his brother to improve while being every mindful of his own need for improvement. As Jesus said, "Remove the wood beam from your eye first, then remove the splinter from your brother's eye." It is the whole idea of recognizing one's own faults before pointing out those of another. This simple recognition is what we call humility, which everyone must seek. The Jesus-like man must also be respectful. That applies in his charity towards his fellow man no matter what the circumstance, as well as his treatment of women. The first comes in the recognition of the dignity and equality of the human person. Even if we do not like a person, there is still respect and care due to that person. This is not just a trait that should be held by men, but rather all people. The second is the idea that a woman is a beautiful pearl of God's creation. Women are His crown jewel as it were. Women are daughters of God (whether they know it or not). That means that since God is king, then women are princesses. The are worthy of the dignity and respect any prince worth his salt should be giving. Yes guys, women are not pieces of meat, they are people. Women are absolutely equal in dignity to men and should be treated as such.
So what is true manhood about, when society tells us different? True manhood is about rising above. True manhood is to lead and become example. Christians in general are called to be the light of the world. We carry in us the hope that comes from God himself and we are called to shine it. Men in particular have great responsibility in this. For whatever reason, God in His wisdom chose men to be spiritual leaders. Whatever our faults and weaknesses are, men are to lead others to salvation. In accepting this responsibility we must be courageous. I include myself in this because I am truly the least of all men. I have much to learn and much to detach myself from.
The journey is simple. It starts when men use their brains. It continues when men function as beacons of hope. It is enforced when men set an example that is positive. It is carried out when men become men. "Don't say, 'That's the way I am—it's my character.' It's your lack of character. Esto vir!—Be a man!" ~ St. Josemaria Escriva
This is the call of Saint Paul. It is to pass from our childish ways and become true men of God who seek His will above all else.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Freedom and Truth of Chastity and Purity
Times are changing. We can look around us and there is no doubt about it. In an increasingly secular world there are questions regarding morality, ethics, and social issues. As a result of their strong stand on issues, in particular moral issues, religious institutions come under scrutiny. Chief among these is the Catholic Church. Among the issues that is a hot button so to speak is sexuality. The Church's teaching on appropriate sexuality has always been clear and firm. Now more than ever the societal expectations are butting heads with the Church's teachings. This brings up questions as to the validity of these teachings.
To set the stage here, let us review the facts. We live in a society where birth control is readily available. As a result the societal definition of safe and responsible sex has shifted. Such a shift has many people saying that the Church is not really in tune with the society. Further still, purity, once considered by many to be a virtue is now seen by and large as frightening. People are even going as far as to say that the Church should adjust its teachings, because chastity is outdated.
Amidst these facts and inquiries there are questions that are overlooked. Two in particular come to mind and they are connected. The first is: is the question of weather the Church is out of touch with society really the right question to ask? Directly related is the question of: what if the society is in fact out of touch with the Church's teaching?
As I go into the meat of this post, it is this second question that I will address. As a Christian and in particular a Catholic I will absolutely say without fail that the society is out of touch with the Church. That being said, I recognize that many more secular readers will dispute this. I also write this mindful that in order make an argument like this I have to be practical. In this world with so many saying that these teachings are out of date, it is all the more important to proclaim them.
That being said, unlike my previous posts, I intend for this to be read by a broader audience. As some who know me know, one of my role models is Jason Evert who gives a talk in which he makes chastity and purity practical for all. In the same spirit is how I must approach this. One of the best ways to start this is by reacquainting ourselves with love.
Now while many will insist that love has a dark side, at its best it is selfless and beautiful. To steal from St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians (13:4-8): "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away." This is the definition of the most beautiful love.
A friend of mine said something along these lines, "If you can't share fully with the person you are married to, then the marriage is a lie." I could not think of a more true statement. This is the essence of married love. The practical question one might ask is: how do I do this? Is there a way that I make sure that I am sharing fully with my spouse if and when I get married? This is where chastity can move from purely a religious argument to a practical argument.
It is my goal with this post to bring to light many misnomers and explain more deeply why this teaching is still valid today. It is all my intent to show that this is not just a life for the few but rather for the many and in fact, everybody. This area has become one of my great passions for many reasons and I've put quite of bit of research to it. By no stretch of the imagination am I an expert on the subject; however, I have through various channels been given a certain insight.
In our humanity we have many gifts. In particular are the gifts that come with romantic love. They are beautiful and wonderful things. They are a part of us and they are ours. In a very real sense, they are special. Like anything good they are cherished and respected. These are not trivial things, but rather deep and important. So, doesn't it make sense that we should treat this gifts as such? I mean marriage is supposed to be sharing fully with someone. Doesn't it make sense that we share things with that person that we haven't shared with anyone else? The answer to both of these questions is a resounding yes. Many of the so called, "restrictions" of the pure life are tangible ways to do this.
This brings up one of the great misnomers of modern society. That is that living a chaste life is to be sexually repressed. I can speak from my own experience on this, chastity is many things, sexual repression is not one of them. Sex is a wonderful thing and a beautiful thing. Above all else it is a special thing. Special things are meant for special relationships and there is no more special relationship than marriage. It is one of the most unifying acts in our nature. It draws people together. This is not trivial. I mean how exciting would it be if the first time you have sex is with the person you love the most in this world? How awesome would it be if your first sex is with the person who you have decided to give your whole life to? I mean that is one of the key premises to marriage, loving someone so much that you give your whole life to them. This is such a tangible way to make sure that you do, by saving your gifts until that time.
Now continuing on to the other aspects of chastity. One of the interesting things that many people believe is that they can wait until marriage, but do everything short of having sex. Hmm , I think we are entering into a gray area here. One of the most interesting things about chastity that people do not realize is that the limitations it suggests are practical ways to help one abstain from sex. I mean it is whole heck of a lot easier to keep a promise of abstinence if one doesn't do things that tempt people to have sex. To understand what one can do and cannot do is great way of understanding yourself better. In this way you learn your limits, as well as your strengths and weaknesses. From a more Catholic prospective, it is the promise to avoid the near occasion of sin. Setting reasonable and respectful boundaries is healthy for relationships. It helps the two people grow with each other minus many of the superficial aspects. I mean it is so amazing to share time with a person, because you care for that person, as opposed to spending time with that person to fulfill a yearning for physical romance. And the thing that shocks people most about chastity is that it becomes less about what you cannot do and more about what you can do. You realize how you best share with a significant other and you end up not regretting what you have done.
This is my counter to yet another misnomer. Chastity says, "you can't do this and you can't do that". But there is so much you can do. This way the focus shifts building relationships based in respect for yourself and respect for the other, and spending time together for mutual growth. In this way you move towards the type of love that St. Paul spoke of. It is more reachable than people think and it is so rewarding.
Yet another misnomer is the idea of sexual liberation. There is a fairly dominant notion that having lots of sex is liberating. I beg to differ. It is in fact slavery. A slavery to ourselves. Sure people have a certain notion and care as to weather the other is enjoying this, but ultimately, whether admitted or not, people seek their own ends in it. Some argue this is human nature, but this where I say that we cannot just say it's our nature and sit on it. Instead, all of us must work towards improving self (I chief among that crowd) in order to overcome our selfish ways. In doing so we can work towards lives of service to others. As I said earlier and bears repeating, the love Saint Paul talks about is one devoid of self interest. Although I can speak best for myself, I know that Jason Evert and other chastity advocates will say the same thing. I cannot tell you how free I feel. I mean I was there once. I was in the place where many that read this post are. I thought chastity is so old fashioned and prudish. Then I did a complete 180. I have found so much freedom devoting myself to this. I am, for lack of a better word, liberated. I am so much more able to give myself to others. I am able to be good to friends for their sake and not for self praise.
In this way I have grown so much. I appreciate everything I have and am grateful that I have held on to so much. I have gained a greater respect for these gifts and in the process myself. The result is that I have become a more joyful man. I am by grace, more at peace, because I already have all I need. Not to say that I do not one day want to find someone and get married. As a matter of fact I do. But for now, I can wait patiently, not needing it. Thus when the time does come I will be ready to love whoever she is for her own sake.
Now the last point and a difficult one, starting over. Let's face it, humans make mistakes. Often times we go past our boundaries. Often times we go so far that we feel as if there is no way back. There are things that many believe if you lose you cannot get back. One such person was Jason Evert's wife Crystalina. Back in her late middle school days or early high school days (I forget which) she was dating a football player. He essentially said, "prove that you really love me." She lost her virginity to him. After he left her she felt like she had lost something she couldn't get back. By and large, she fell into a trap. She at certain point stopped caring, but then something changed. She turned it around and is now married to one of the best men on the planet. Also for guys. Girls, if you find guy who hasn't struggled with sexual sin at some point in his life, more power to you. For most of you, I can guarantee you that your future boyfriends, and future husband struggled with it. And for you guys, there is hope. Stories like Jason's are powerful because he overcame it. The fact is that sometimes you need to lose something valuable to realize how important it is. I for one can testify to this. I learned from having not guarded my gifts as well as I should have and learned just how important they are. It is my commitment to chastity now that has helped me get over any guilt and shame I felt. What I tell you all is true. This is something everybody can do. In this way, you can grow in so many ways, and have, as Jason entitles his talks, romance without regret.
To set the stage here, let us review the facts. We live in a society where birth control is readily available. As a result the societal definition of safe and responsible sex has shifted. Such a shift has many people saying that the Church is not really in tune with the society. Further still, purity, once considered by many to be a virtue is now seen by and large as frightening. People are even going as far as to say that the Church should adjust its teachings, because chastity is outdated.
Amidst these facts and inquiries there are questions that are overlooked. Two in particular come to mind and they are connected. The first is: is the question of weather the Church is out of touch with society really the right question to ask? Directly related is the question of: what if the society is in fact out of touch with the Church's teaching?
As I go into the meat of this post, it is this second question that I will address. As a Christian and in particular a Catholic I will absolutely say without fail that the society is out of touch with the Church. That being said, I recognize that many more secular readers will dispute this. I also write this mindful that in order make an argument like this I have to be practical. In this world with so many saying that these teachings are out of date, it is all the more important to proclaim them.
That being said, unlike my previous posts, I intend for this to be read by a broader audience. As some who know me know, one of my role models is Jason Evert who gives a talk in which he makes chastity and purity practical for all. In the same spirit is how I must approach this. One of the best ways to start this is by reacquainting ourselves with love.
Now while many will insist that love has a dark side, at its best it is selfless and beautiful. To steal from St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians (13:4-8): "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away." This is the definition of the most beautiful love.
A friend of mine said something along these lines, "If you can't share fully with the person you are married to, then the marriage is a lie." I could not think of a more true statement. This is the essence of married love. The practical question one might ask is: how do I do this? Is there a way that I make sure that I am sharing fully with my spouse if and when I get married? This is where chastity can move from purely a religious argument to a practical argument.
It is my goal with this post to bring to light many misnomers and explain more deeply why this teaching is still valid today. It is all my intent to show that this is not just a life for the few but rather for the many and in fact, everybody. This area has become one of my great passions for many reasons and I've put quite of bit of research to it. By no stretch of the imagination am I an expert on the subject; however, I have through various channels been given a certain insight.
In our humanity we have many gifts. In particular are the gifts that come with romantic love. They are beautiful and wonderful things. They are a part of us and they are ours. In a very real sense, they are special. Like anything good they are cherished and respected. These are not trivial things, but rather deep and important. So, doesn't it make sense that we should treat this gifts as such? I mean marriage is supposed to be sharing fully with someone. Doesn't it make sense that we share things with that person that we haven't shared with anyone else? The answer to both of these questions is a resounding yes. Many of the so called, "restrictions" of the pure life are tangible ways to do this.
This brings up one of the great misnomers of modern society. That is that living a chaste life is to be sexually repressed. I can speak from my own experience on this, chastity is many things, sexual repression is not one of them. Sex is a wonderful thing and a beautiful thing. Above all else it is a special thing. Special things are meant for special relationships and there is no more special relationship than marriage. It is one of the most unifying acts in our nature. It draws people together. This is not trivial. I mean how exciting would it be if the first time you have sex is with the person you love the most in this world? How awesome would it be if your first sex is with the person who you have decided to give your whole life to? I mean that is one of the key premises to marriage, loving someone so much that you give your whole life to them. This is such a tangible way to make sure that you do, by saving your gifts until that time.
Now continuing on to the other aspects of chastity. One of the interesting things that many people believe is that they can wait until marriage, but do everything short of having sex. Hmm , I think we are entering into a gray area here. One of the most interesting things about chastity that people do not realize is that the limitations it suggests are practical ways to help one abstain from sex. I mean it is whole heck of a lot easier to keep a promise of abstinence if one doesn't do things that tempt people to have sex. To understand what one can do and cannot do is great way of understanding yourself better. In this way you learn your limits, as well as your strengths and weaknesses. From a more Catholic prospective, it is the promise to avoid the near occasion of sin. Setting reasonable and respectful boundaries is healthy for relationships. It helps the two people grow with each other minus many of the superficial aspects. I mean it is so amazing to share time with a person, because you care for that person, as opposed to spending time with that person to fulfill a yearning for physical romance. And the thing that shocks people most about chastity is that it becomes less about what you cannot do and more about what you can do. You realize how you best share with a significant other and you end up not regretting what you have done.
This is my counter to yet another misnomer. Chastity says, "you can't do this and you can't do that". But there is so much you can do. This way the focus shifts building relationships based in respect for yourself and respect for the other, and spending time together for mutual growth. In this way you move towards the type of love that St. Paul spoke of. It is more reachable than people think and it is so rewarding.
Yet another misnomer is the idea of sexual liberation. There is a fairly dominant notion that having lots of sex is liberating. I beg to differ. It is in fact slavery. A slavery to ourselves. Sure people have a certain notion and care as to weather the other is enjoying this, but ultimately, whether admitted or not, people seek their own ends in it. Some argue this is human nature, but this where I say that we cannot just say it's our nature and sit on it. Instead, all of us must work towards improving self (I chief among that crowd) in order to overcome our selfish ways. In doing so we can work towards lives of service to others. As I said earlier and bears repeating, the love Saint Paul talks about is one devoid of self interest. Although I can speak best for myself, I know that Jason Evert and other chastity advocates will say the same thing. I cannot tell you how free I feel. I mean I was there once. I was in the place where many that read this post are. I thought chastity is so old fashioned and prudish. Then I did a complete 180. I have found so much freedom devoting myself to this. I am, for lack of a better word, liberated. I am so much more able to give myself to others. I am able to be good to friends for their sake and not for self praise.
In this way I have grown so much. I appreciate everything I have and am grateful that I have held on to so much. I have gained a greater respect for these gifts and in the process myself. The result is that I have become a more joyful man. I am by grace, more at peace, because I already have all I need. Not to say that I do not one day want to find someone and get married. As a matter of fact I do. But for now, I can wait patiently, not needing it. Thus when the time does come I will be ready to love whoever she is for her own sake.
Now the last point and a difficult one, starting over. Let's face it, humans make mistakes. Often times we go past our boundaries. Often times we go so far that we feel as if there is no way back. There are things that many believe if you lose you cannot get back. One such person was Jason Evert's wife Crystalina. Back in her late middle school days or early high school days (I forget which) she was dating a football player. He essentially said, "prove that you really love me." She lost her virginity to him. After he left her she felt like she had lost something she couldn't get back. By and large, she fell into a trap. She at certain point stopped caring, but then something changed. She turned it around and is now married to one of the best men on the planet. Also for guys. Girls, if you find guy who hasn't struggled with sexual sin at some point in his life, more power to you. For most of you, I can guarantee you that your future boyfriends, and future husband struggled with it. And for you guys, there is hope. Stories like Jason's are powerful because he overcame it. The fact is that sometimes you need to lose something valuable to realize how important it is. I for one can testify to this. I learned from having not guarded my gifts as well as I should have and learned just how important they are. It is my commitment to chastity now that has helped me get over any guilt and shame I felt. What I tell you all is true. This is something everybody can do. In this way, you can grow in so many ways, and have, as Jason entitles his talks, romance without regret.
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