The Freedom and Truth of Chastity and Purity

Times are changing. We can look around us and there is no doubt about it. In an increasingly secular world there are questions regarding morality, ethics, and social issues. As a result of their strong stand on issues, in particular moral issues, religious institutions come under scrutiny. Chief among these is the Catholic Church. Among the issues that is a hot button so to speak is sexuality. The Church's teaching on appropriate sexuality has always been clear and firm. Now more than ever the societal expectations are butting heads with the Church's teachings. This brings up questions as to the validity of these teachings.

To set the stage here, let us review the facts. We live in a society where birth control is readily available. As a result the societal definition of safe and responsible sex has shifted. Such a shift has many people saying that the Church is not really in tune with the society. Further still, purity, once considered by many to be a virtue is now seen by and large as frightening. People are even going as far as to say that the Church should adjust its teachings, because chastity is outdated.

Amidst these facts and inquiries there are questions that are overlooked. Two in particular come to mind and they are connected. The first is: is the question of weather the Church is out of touch with society really the right question to ask? Directly related is the question of: what if the society is in fact out of touch with the Church's teaching?

As I go into the meat of this post, it is this second question that I will address. As a Christian and in particular a Catholic I will absolutely say without fail that the society is out of touch with the Church. That being said, I recognize that many more secular readers will dispute this. I also write this mindful that in order make an argument like this I have to be practical. In this world with so many saying that these teachings are out of date, it is all the more important to proclaim them.

That being said, unlike my previous posts, I intend for this to be read by a broader audience. As some who know me know, one of my role models is Jason Evert who gives a talk in which he makes chastity and purity practical for all. In the same spirit is how I must approach this. One of the best ways to start this is by reacquainting ourselves with love.

Now while many will insist that love has a dark side, at its best it is selfless and beautiful. To steal from St. Paul's letter to the Corinthians (13:4-8): "Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away." This is the definition of the most beautiful love.

A friend of mine said something along these lines, "If you can't share fully with the person you are married to, then the marriage is a lie." I could not think of a more true statement. This is the essence of married love. The practical question one might ask is: how do I do this? Is there a way that I make sure that I am sharing fully with my spouse if and when I get married? This is where chastity can move from purely a religious argument to a practical argument.

It is my goal with this post to bring to light many misnomers and explain more deeply why this teaching is still valid today. It is all my intent to show that this is not just a life for the few but rather for the many and in fact, everybody. This area has become one of my great passions for many reasons and I've put quite of bit of research to it. By no stretch of the imagination am I an expert on the subject; however, I have through various channels been given a certain insight.

In our humanity we have many gifts. In particular are the gifts that come with romantic love. They are beautiful and wonderful things. They are a part of us and they are ours. In a very real sense, they are special. Like anything good they are cherished and respected. These are not trivial things, but rather deep and important. So, doesn't it make sense that we should treat this gifts as such? I mean marriage is supposed to be sharing fully with someone. Doesn't it make sense that we share things with that person that we haven't shared with anyone else? The answer to both of these questions is a resounding yes. Many of the so called, "restrictions" of the pure life are tangible ways to do this.

This brings up one of the great misnomers of modern society. That is that living a chaste life is to be sexually repressed. I can speak from my own experience on this, chastity is many things, sexual repression is not one of them. Sex is a wonderful thing and a beautiful thing. Above all else it is a special thing. Special things are meant for special relationships and there is no more special relationship than marriage. It is one of the most unifying acts in our nature. It draws people together. This is not trivial. I mean how exciting would it be if the first time you have sex is with the person you love the most in this world? How awesome would it be if your first sex is with the person who you have decided to give your whole life to? I mean that is one of the key premises to marriage, loving someone so much that you give your whole life to them. This is such a tangible way to make sure that you do, by saving your gifts until that time.

Now continuing on to the other aspects of chastity. One of the interesting things that many people believe is that they can wait until marriage, but do everything short of having sex. Hmm , I think we are entering into a gray area here. One of the most interesting things about chastity that people do not realize is that the limitations it suggests are practical ways to help one abstain from sex. I mean it is whole heck of a lot easier to keep a promise of abstinence if one doesn't do things that tempt people to have sex. To understand what one can do and cannot do is great way of understanding yourself better. In this way you learn your limits, as well as your strengths and weaknesses. From a more Catholic prospective, it is the promise to avoid the near occasion of sin. Setting reasonable and respectful boundaries is healthy for relationships. It helps the two people grow with each other minus many of the superficial aspects. I mean it is so amazing to share time with a person, because you care for that person, as opposed to spending time with that person to fulfill a yearning for physical romance. And the thing that shocks people most about chastity is that it becomes less about what you cannot do and more about what you can do. You realize how you best share with a significant other and you end up not regretting what you have done.

This is my counter to yet another misnomer. Chastity says, "you can't do this and you can't do that". But there is so much you can do. This way the focus shifts building relationships based in respect for yourself and respect for the other, and spending time together for mutual growth. In this way you move towards the type of love that St. Paul spoke of. It is more reachable than people think and it is so rewarding.

Yet another misnomer is the idea of sexual liberation. There is a fairly dominant notion that having lots of sex is liberating. I beg to differ. It is in fact slavery. A slavery to ourselves. Sure people have a certain notion and care as to weather the other is enjoying this, but ultimately, whether admitted or not, people seek their own ends in it. Some argue this is human nature, but this where I say that we cannot just say it's our nature and sit on it. Instead, all of us must work towards improving self (I chief among that crowd) in order to overcome our selfish ways. In doing so we can work towards lives of service to others. As I said earlier and bears repeating, the love Saint Paul talks about is one devoid of self interest. Although I can speak best for myself, I know that Jason Evert and other chastity advocates will say the same thing. I cannot tell you how free I feel. I mean I was there once. I was in the place where many that read this post are. I thought chastity is so old fashioned and prudish. Then I did a complete 180. I have found so much freedom devoting myself to this. I am, for lack of a better word, liberated. I am so much more able to give myself to others. I am able to be good to friends for their sake and not for self praise.

In this way I have grown so much. I appreciate everything I have and am grateful that I have held on to so much. I have gained a greater respect for these gifts and in the process myself. The result is that I have become a more joyful man. I am by grace, more at peace, because I already have all I need. Not to say that I do not one day want to find someone and get married. As a matter of fact I do. But for now, I can wait patiently, not needing it. Thus when the time does come I will be ready to love whoever she is for her own sake.

Now the last point and a difficult one, starting over. Let's face it, humans make mistakes. Often times we go past our boundaries. Often times we go so far that we feel as if there is no way back. There are things that many believe if you lose you cannot get back. One such person was Jason Evert's wife Crystalina. Back in her late middle school days or early high school days (I forget which) she was dating a football player. He essentially said, "prove that you really love me." She lost her virginity to him. After he left her she felt like she had lost something she couldn't get back. By and large, she fell into a trap. She at certain point stopped caring, but then something changed. She turned it around and is now married to one of the best men on the planet. Also for guys. Girls, if you find guy who hasn't struggled with sexual sin at some point in his life, more power to you. For most of you, I can guarantee you that your future boyfriends, and future husband struggled with it. And for you guys, there is hope. Stories like Jason's are powerful because he overcame it. The fact is that sometimes you need to lose something valuable to realize how important it is. I for one can testify to this. I learned from having not guarded my gifts as well as I should have and learned just how important they are. It is my commitment to chastity now that has helped me get over any guilt and shame I felt. What I tell you all is true. This is something everybody can do. In this way, you can grow in so many ways, and have, as Jason entitles his talks, romance without regret.